If I Have to Love Someone

The Love Letter You Never Read

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Dear Mr Senior Executive,

Almost every letter starts with some greetings but let me start mine with a simple " I missed you". How could that possibly be? You might ask why since we are not close for real. Hindi nga siguro tayo close but something in me knows well that I am really missing you.

The longer you are with someone, the tougher it is to part ways but we've never been together and never been too close so why do I feel this way?

Four years ago, the two of us became friends. You were just a simple guy with good singing voice. I never thought of liking you in a special way. I gradually became attached to you (in my own way) telling and making you feel that I like you and you are special. At first, I thought that I was just having fun because you did not ignore me no matter what I did and said to you. Lagi pa kong nagsosorry kasi baka naiinis ka na sa 'kin kasi harap harapan kong pinapakita na gusto kita kahit na ako mismo, hindi ko alam kung gusto ba talaga kita. I admit, kapag kumakanta ka na, sobrang naiinlove ako sa'yo. The feeling was like no one else is in there, just you and me. hahaha. However, I did not expect that feeling to develop. I started liking you romantically without noticing it. I just realized that I really had fallen for you. Malinaw pa sa 'kin kung kelan ko narealized na gusto na talaga kita. That was when I cried because I failed as the technical support for our activity and you comforted me. At that very moment, when I felt that you were there for me, my heart really raced and I suddenly felt nervous with your presence. That night, I wrote your surname FE**X in a paper and stuck it in my closet.

Nothing changed after that night except that I pushed myself to you more forcefully. hahaha I became more loud in telling you how I feel. In our Christmas Outing on December 19, 2010, I was praying that everyday should be like that. I asked our batch mates to take some photos of us together in every angle and shots I wanted. That was just really awesome and heart racing.

 During Valentines in 2011, I remembered the card I gave you with a heart shaped chocolate. Though that was small, I was really shy on giving that to you because it was really embarrassing giving a guy something on Valentine's day. During Feb fair, I remembered going home with you in your apartment, of course with someone else. hahaha. However, when the two of us were left alone together, I got nervous because I didn't know what to say to someone I really like in those kind of situations. That same day, we agreed to ride the "ferris wheel" together when we got back to the park. Sadly, we failed to ride together thanks to someone. I was really upset that time but you told me it's fine. 

As time passed, my affection for you became deeper. I was like "always kinikilig" whenever you're near. We always took pictures together because of my forceful requests. It was funny that we knew where our positions should be whenever where taking the photos. I was happy. You're kind, thoughtful, smart, good leader and of course cute. :D You never failed to make my heart race. There were times that I thought of seriously confessing but I was hesitant since, well, I am still a girl you know. hahaha. I became contented of us being just like that. I had no idea if you felt the same but I was still satisfied.

You never failed to make my heart race

Did I ever mentioned that I love you? I kept on thinking, if I had told you that, what would you have replied?

One of my friends told me to stop acting the way I was acting towards you because it made things complicated since I did not know by then what was your true feelings. Everyone knew that you could not take me seriously at first. Well, I knew that no one would at first. I couldn't ask you what you feel for it's awkward asking a question like that. 

While I was feeling hopeless, someone came into my life who treated me the way I wanted you to treat me. Someone came who showed and told me that I was special, the thing I wish you did. Someone came and he did everything I wish you were the one to. My feelings for you did not fade but the feelings for that person grew.

One night, while we had the chance to walk together, you told me that you were to say something but I should wait for that because you were not yet ready. I was confused by then. I asked my friend what could that be but we both had no idea. I did not want to assume but I always wish that what you were going to tell me was that you also like me. However, months passed and there were no signs of that wish coming true.

I became attached to him. He was kind and sweet. He began courting me. I forgot all the hopelessness. We started going out together and eventually, I fell in love with him. I did.

One time, we got into a fight and became cold for about three days. On the fourth day, all of us gathered for an activity wherein we were all given the chance to talk to everyone for an ample amount of time. I talked to him first and he told me that we should talk right after the activity but we got okay by then. After some time, our chance of talking to each other came. You told me that the time limit was not enough for everything you had to say so you asked me to talk after the the activity. I agreed. I told him to wait for me and I'd get in touch after talking to you.

While I was talking to you after the activity, all I was thinking was to go back to him already because I didn't want to make him mad again. However, I listened as you explained everything and I was very shocked with every phrases you were saying. You told me how confused you were with you're feelings for me and that you had to make sure if what you feel was not because you're just being carried away and overwhelmed by the way I acted towards you. I was sad. I was really sad when you told me that "Gusto kita". I wished I could say that "I could never be that happy after hearing that." I was very happy in a way but someone else was waiting for me that time and I couldn't stand to hurt the person who made me happy when I was being so helpless. I was very confused but I knew by then that I was the kind of person who couldn't let anyone get mad of me. I was so negative, I was confused for almost a day.

One day, you promised me that I will always be a special person to you and I also did tell you that you'll always be special to me.

From that day, months and years passed and you acted so cold towards me. Alam kong para sa ikabubuti natin parehas yung ginawa mong yun and I was just being selfish asking you to stay as how we were, You distanced yourself and I also did. Many things happened but we never took photos together again. Lahat na lang awkward. Titingin lang ako sa'yo, parang ang awkward na. Pag makikipag usap ako sa'yo, akala mo lang walang awkwardness pero meron pa rin talaga. Hindi na ba talaga mawawala 'to? Hanggang ngayon, iniiwasan mo pa rin ako. Hindi naman ako virus para iwasan. Sabi ko sa'yo, pwede bang ibalik natin yung dati. Yung before pa ko magkagusto sa'yo para okay na ulet. Ayoko na kasi nang ganito tayo forever. I don't need to be special. Yes, I really like you. To tell you the truth, I am jealous of everyone. They can talk to you if they want. They can laugh with you. They can ask for your advice. They can share the same table with you. They can share stories with you. You reply when they send you messages. I wish you're still my friend. I am very jealous of them having you as a close friend. I am jealous of them of having you. I am jealous of them for all that I can do is wish that someday I could reach to you again.